One goal up but one man down after Hamit Altintop's harebrained scheme to get himself sent off had come to fruition, Bayern dealt impressively well with everything Schalke threw at them in the second half in the Veltins-Arena. Admittedly, it wasn't much. Felix Magath's side were in fact utterly clueless as to what they were meant to do with a ball at their feet as opposed to a dead one that could be floated into the box for another customary headed goal.

All Bayern had to do was sit out the match, and they did so in fine fashion: even with Martin Demichelis, the mask of "Oh no!" back in action for the injured Daniel van Buyten, the visitors closed down huge spaces everywhere so rapidly that it was momentarily possible to confuse them with Woolworths. In the end, the first-half strikes from Franck Ribery and (the just offside) Thomas Muller within 70 seconds were enough to reclaim top spot from the disappointing Royal Blues, who managed to narrow Bayern's lead with their one and only meaningful attack. Kevin Kuranyi's header four minutes before the break was his 18th goal of the season.

If you like the sight of a 10ft red and white boa asphyxiating a cute blue-furred bunny, this was your game; if you were looking for a touch of class from the winners after the match, it wasn't. A great result? "No, victory here was the bare minimum," sniffed Mark van Bommel, in the manner of a billionaire who had just been congratulated for winning €5 on a scratchcard. "We're simply back on top, where we belong."

Uli Hoeness certainly couldn't pass up the opportunity to remind Schalke that the less than perfect pitch ? a controversy that had been going since the Bavarians' 1-0 win in the cup 10 days ago ? hadn't helped the hosts with chasing the match. The Bayern president went further, however, quite further than necessary. "Schalke realised today that they can't possibly be champions. If you don't create a single chance against 10 men in 49 minutes then you can't be champions," he decreed. And he wasn't quite finished yet. "I'm very sorry for all the others," he added, without a hint of real contrition, "but if you're honest you have to say that Bayern Munich is by far the best German team." Hoeness looked "like a happy five-year-old who boasts about the nicest digger in the sandpit," wrote Christoph Biermann in Der Spiegel, both appalled and amused in equal measure.

Louis van Gaal was only slightly less self-congratulatory than his superior. "We are still involved in all three competitions", the Dutchman said, "what we are doing is incredible." Maybe it really is. "This team could make history," wrote Biermann, "not because they play the best football, but because they seem always capable to compensate their weaknesses." Whenever they needed a result this season, they managed to get one. "You can't explain that with the proverbial Bayern luck," he added.

"We now have tailwind for the return leg in Manchester," said Hoeness. Confidence is indeed much higher than last week, especially with Bastian Schweinsteiger and Arjen Robben back in the fold. You wonder, however, if "erasing all feelings of humility from their heads", as Suddeutsche Zeitung put it, was really the right approach to Wednesday night. Bayern fared very well as underdogs last week. But following their over-the-top show of verbal strength in Gelsenkirchen, they have unwittingly set themselves up for a bit of a fall.

Talking points

You know it's your day when big lump "Iron" Maik Franz scores the winning goal two minutes from time with a scissor kick. Frankfurt beat third-placed Leverkusen 3-2 in a thoroughly enjoyable match that turned on its head when Bayer full-back Daniel Schwaab was sent off rather harshly four minutes after the break. Caio's 35-metre rocket eluded Rene Adler in goal for the 2-2 equaliser, before Franz showed unexpected flexibility in the box. Eintracht can afford one or two dreams of Europe now, whereas Bayer must fear ruining their excellent season. "We didn't have much hope for the title before," said their frustrated sporting director Rudi Voller, "but now we have to look back behind our shoulders and make sure to defend our position."

In the engrossing battle for the right to chip away at the Bundesliga's Uefa coefficient with dismal performances in next year's Champions League group stage, Dortmund registered an important win on Saturday. Jurgen Klopp's team overcame a spirited Werder Bremen who had not lost in 10 league games. Borussia are only one point behind third-placed Leverkusen. Kevin Großkreutz and Neven Subotic scored early on for the hosts; Werder camped in the Dortmund half for most of the remainder but could only get one back through Aaron Hunt. The 23-year-old Germany midfielder would make an excellent interviewee for BBC radio man Nicky Campbell , by the way, and that's not just because of his surname - due to a mother who hails from London, his English is excellent, too.

Manchester United's Serbian midfielder Zoran Tosic managed get himself sent off by picking up two yellow cards that were dumber than Dumb and Dumber . The first one was for dissent, the second one, a mere 45 seconds later, for a dive. Tosic's dismissal three minutes from time was all Koln needed on a miserable afternoon that ended with bottom-feeders Hertha winning 3-0 in the Rhein-Energie-Stadion and finding a new lease of life. Brazilian striker Raffael scored a brace and compatriot Cicero added a third for the visitors, who are back in the mixer, only three points from the relegation play-off spot. "Today we scored the dirty goals," was the happy verdict of general manager Michael Preetz while Friedhelm Funkel vowed "to continue making the impossible possible". Survival no longer looks such a lost cause, possibly.

Hamburg's insufferably lame 0-0 draw at home to 10-man Hannover (Jiri Stajner was sent off 40 minutes from time for a second bookable offence) increased the pressure on manager Bruno Labbadia. Apart from a fine long-distance effort from Denis Aogo that hit the cross-bar, the only notable moment had come after the final whistle, when HSV striker Paolo Guerrero reacted to insults from an irate home supporter in a Cantonaesque fashion: the Peruvian threw his plastic bottle at the fan and struck him right in the face . Hamburg president Bernd Hoffmann threatened a heavy fine for Guerrero ("This is unacceptable behaviour") but keeper Frank Rost, a man prone to idiosyncratic if not downright disturbing views, praised the striker's accuracy instead. "Maybe the New York Yankees should sign him up," suggested the 36-year-old.

Results: Schalke 1?2 Bayern, Frankfurt 2?3 Leverkusen, Dortmund 2?1 Bremen, SC Freiburg 1?1 Bochum, Stuttgart 2?1 Gladbach, Koln 0-3 Hertha, Nurnberg 2-0 Mainz, Wolfsburg 4?0 Hoffenheim, Hamburg 0?0 Hannover.

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