Jonathan Woodgate has a problem. He picks up a copy of Spain's best-selling newspaper and tosses it across the table at Real Madrid's Valdebebas training ground. "I can't understand the bloody thing," he groans, a broad smile creeping across his face. He has made strides with his Spanish, one team-mate declaring, "it's like he's from Malaga", but still press reports resist - and it bugs him. "I'm trying to read the papers and I do get the gist but still there are words where I'm thinking: 'what does that mean?'" he says, rolling his eyes.
You would think this particular ignorance might be bliss but not for Woodgate, not now. It took him 561 days to return from a torn thigh muscle first suffered while at Newcastle United and 13 long months to make his Real Madrid debut, but now he is proving himself one of Europe's finest defenders, a snip at ￡13.4m. Now, they're raving about him.
The paper on the table declares: "Woodgate, a perfect 10." Given full marks after each of his last four matches, he has become Juan Ramon Lopez Caro's first choice centre-back alongside Sergio Ramos. Madrid have conceded a goal a game this season but Woodgate has played 13 times and helped keep 10 clean sheets. Only Deportivo La Coruna and Rosenborg have scored against him - the other was a spectacular diving header into his own net on his debut against Athletic Bilbao.
He was also sent off that tragicomic night in September but if Woodgate feared that was a sign of things to come, he was wrong. "Ten clean sheets in 10 games," he continues, his evaluation growing progressively more positive. "That's not bad. That's quite good. I like that."
So do Real Madrid. His absence against Alaves tonight is a precaution: after two minor muscle injuries since September, Real do not want him playing three games a week - and they certainly do want him playing against Arsenal on Tuesday night.
The last time Woodgate faced Arsenal was in April 2004. It was his penultimate game in England and he shut out Thierry Henry in a scoreless draw, his Newcastle manager, Bobby Robson, describing him as "more brilliant than brilliant". But does Woodgate remember it? "Of course I do - it was only 15 games ago!
"Thierry Henry is a fantastic player and you have to be on the top of your game," he adds. "You have to destroy before you're destroyed. This time will be different: Newcastle were more defensive than Madrid; at Madrid everyone just bombs on but I don't mind - I love defending. I love keeping clean sheets, love it.
"It will be a test for me," he continues. "But then every game is a test for me. I remember after five months out, one reporter saying that I was going to Germany to see a specialist and that meant my career was over. What was he on about?"
Woodgate, at last, is back and has developed an exceptional partnership with Sergio Ramos. He is popular among the squad. As we talk, Ivan Helguera, Cicinho and Iker Casillas stroll past and all shout mock abuse. He is happy in Madrid, dismissing reports that he will return to Newcastle for ￡6m. "I'm playing again and why would I want to leave the best club in the world?" he says. "It would be a bit strange if Madrid had got me fit for the first time in 18 months and wanted to sell me for only six million."
Woodgate's happiness is apparent on the pitch, where he has not been afraid to impose himself. He has, one columnist insists, "become Madrid's true leader".
"I wouldn't say I'm the boss," he insists. "But I'm not going to stand there with my mouth shut saying nothing. It's my job: you have to tell them what to do. That's what I am like, that's what English defenders are like: Sol Campbell, Rio Ferdinand, John Terry, Jamie Carragher and Ledley King can all defend for their lives."
Talk inevitably turns to Campbell. Could a Woodgate-Campbell partnership work for England? "Yes," he grins. "Woodgate works with anyone! Sol is a fantastic player. He has had a few problems, and is injured now but he's a fantastic player. In my opinion, he was England's best defender at the last three tournaments. He will be a massive loss for Arsenal. Just like Patrick Vieira: losing him is like us losing Zidane or Ronaldo.
"They're going through a transitional period. I've got English TV and I know what Arsenal do well and what they don't," he continues, "and anyway, the manager will give us a dossier. I'll try to read it in Spanish, try to work out what the craic is. If not, I've got some woman that I phone up."
When the draw was made, Woodgate was delighted to be returning to England. His team-mates were equally pleased, believing Arsenal the weakest team they could have faced. All the more so as they arrive with a young team, few of whom have played in an arena like the Bernabeu - one that has refound its voice. "It is a good draw for us but they probably think the same. They probably think we are inconsistent," says Woodgate. "On our day, though, we can beat anyone - especially with the crowd behind us.
"But", he adds, "If Arsenal's young lads have got some bollocks they won't hide, it will spur them on. Personally, I love going to a hostile atmosphere. There's nothing better than defending for your life."
Tuesday represents a big chance to impress, for a man who hasn't given up on an England place. "Sven [-Goran Eriksson] can come and watch me whenever he wants," Woodgate says. "If I'm playing well I have got a chance. Sven always speaks to David [Beckham] and David tells me: 'Sven's been asking after you', so I'm in his thoughts. It's great to have the England captain in your team. I hope David says nice things about me." Not just David, the whole of Madrid.