Greetings, fellow Americans. I come to you with important predictions about events that will unfold in 2015.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "C'mon, Rex, you can't see into the future" or "Quit pullin' my leg" or "I think I'll stop reading now." DON'T STOP READING!

My prescient pre-observations of the coming year are absolutely guaranteed to be 100 percent "nowccurate." That means they are indisputably correct — at least right now.

Nowccuracy became an increasingly critical part of the media landscape this past year, as cable news networks focused more than ever on telling us exactly what was happening in a breaking news story, regardless of whether what was happening was correct or had any bearing on the news itself.

Take the disappearance of a Malaysia Airlines jet, a mystery that CNN embraced with a bear hug of 24-hour speculation. Granted, much of what the network reported on wound up being incorrect, but it seemed true at the time, and thus was completely nowccurate....

Christmas — or "the holidays," as it's called by people who watch MSNBC — brings families together to celebrate all they have in common while arguing noisily about all that sets them apart.

Of all the yuletide dividers, none is more powerful than political ideology, so it's crucial that you prepare for the big day by scrubbing Christmas carols of language that could prove offensive to liberal or conservative relatives.

I presented the concept of ideologically pure Christmas carols in a column last year, noting, for example, that liberals would find "White Christmas" to be racially insensitive while conservatives would insist that "Feliz Navidad" be sung only in English.

That column is said to have saved more than 153,490 Christmas celebrations. Today I continue this deeply important service to humanity by suggesting changes to a different set of carols.

You're welcome.

For liberals:

"We Three Kings": The first line of this song — "We three kings of Orient are" — uses an outdated term...

We're all naked these days.

I don't mean naked in the "no clothes, naughty bits swaying in the breeze" sense, but rather "electronically exposed." We're online exhibitionists, even if we don't mean to be, as our digital files and texts and emails can likely be seen by anyone who bothers to look closely enough.

Sony Pictures Entertainment has become painfully aware of this, having their unmentionables viewed by hackers who grabbed immense amounts of the studio's computer data and are now releasing that data to an array of media outlets.

The information ranges from the scripts of unreleased movies, including an upcoming James Bond film, to salary data and a wide array of emails that show rude behind-the-scenes chatter. A high-ranking Sony executive and a producer had a racially insensitive email exchange about President Barack Obama. Other emails revealed a producer calling Angelina Jolie a spoiled brat and a Sony employee disparaging Adam Sandler films as formulaic. (Shocking, I know.)

...

Since this column was written, the Vatican has stated that Pope Francis never made widely reported comments regarding pets going to heaven.

You can find a full, updated story here.

At this point, we all know the true meaning of Christmas.

That kid from Peanuts — the one with the blanket — gives us a lecture every year when we watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas." And we see the Grinch's preposterous decision to not make off with an entire town's gifts — a move that likely would've netted him millions in today's Who dollars — and are reminded that maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store.

But let's set aside all the "nice" and "heartwarming" and "religiously significant" elements of the holiday for a moment and focus on the 500-pound snowman in the room: We adults rarely get what we actually want.

We might ask for a lovely necklace or a cool electronic gadget, and we might even receive the gift we request. But it's never really what we want.

It can't be. Because the things we desire most, deep down, just don't exist.

I'm talking about the self-serving devices we daydream about, ones that would eradicate life's day-to-day headaches and bring us true joy.

With that in...

The issue of race in America remains divisive, but what's often ignored is the outsized impact that issue has on one minority group in particular: prominent white male pundits and politicians.

Looking only for opportunity and a voice in the American blab-o-sphere, these Caucasian commentators are routinely inconvenienced by preposterous news that suggests this country might still have a problem with race relations.

Consider all that has happened in recent weeks, from the Michael Brown case in Missouri to the Eric Garner case in New York. Both Brown and Garner were black and unarmed and both were killed by white police officers who were not indicted by grand juries, prompting nationwide protests.

The elitist, lamestream media has, of course, tried to paint the backlash from these two cases as indicators of racial tension, forcing otherwise busy people like Rush Limbaugh to appear on "Fox News Sunday" and say: "This is not good for the country, what's happening here, because it isn't, I...