Family Guy
:
Seasons:
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
Family Guy
is an animated television series created by
Seth MacFarlane
for
FOX
in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on
Adult Swim
, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.
- Joe
:
[to Brian]
Nice work, rookie!
- Cop 1
: You're a credit to the force.
- Cop 2
: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!
- Rehab Counselor
: Wait a minute, Brian, you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?
- Peter
: A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a festisio! See? I can make up words too, sister.
- Brian
: Hey, what might be a thrill for you guys?
- Chris
: Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!
- Cosby
:
[wears Stewie's hypnotic goggles]
So you're going to just sit here and enjoy it.
- Stewie
:
[hypnotized]
I'm going to sit here and enjoy it. And I like pudding. And
Ghost Dad
was the best movie I've seen since
Leonard Part 6
.
- Peter
: Hey, since I became President, profits have been higher than
Alyssa Milano
.
[laughs]
- [cut to Alyssa Milano in reality, watching the show]
- Milano
: What kinda cheap shot...?!
[to her lawyer]
Joel!
- Joel
: I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.
- Quagmire
:
[to a lesbian couple]
So, have any of you ladies ever been penetrated?
- Lois
:
[after seeing Chris' penis]
Oh, my! Well, no wonder he's always slouching.
- Peter
: How the hell did this happen?
I'm
supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me.
- Lois
: Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.
- Peter
: OH, MY GOD!
[runs away]
- Diane
: A tragic accident today in the north Providence area. A family of four lost their lives when their minivan swerved off the road and into a ravine, exploding on impact.
[Tom snickers]
You find this funny, Tom?
- Tom
: No, no, no. I was remembering, I accidentally put my shirt on inside out this morning. It's fine now, though. So, so, what were you saying? A fashion show?
- Death's Mother
: Death! Put your jacket on, or you'll get frostbite!
- Death
: I don't have skin!
- Death's Mother
: That's 'cause you didn't eat your beans!
- Lois
: Okay. The psychologist wants us to try an exercise called "role reversal," where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first.
[imitating Peter]
Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's worthless and dumb and ignore her and only listen to me, Peter.
- Peter
:
[imitating Lois]
I'm Lois. I break for yard sales. But I don't let Peter buy anything he likes, like that Narragansett Beer sign where the hot chick has two mugs for jugs. It was eight freaking dollars and we have a dozen places to put it!
- Stewie
: Ooh, ooh, me next, me next.
[imitating Brian]
I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the small braided rug near the door.
- Brian
:
[imitating Stewie]
I'm a pompous little Anti-Christ who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim.
- Peter
: You just hit me!
- Lois
: That's right!
- [Peter punches her back, knocking her onto the floor]
- Lois
: You can't hit me, I'm a girl!
- Peter
: Sometimes I wonder.
- Connie
: Hey, everybody! Mr. Lazenby's getting arrested!
- [all the students in Meg's classroom exit and watch as the police arrest, Mr. Lazenby]
- Principal Shepherd
: Now, what in God's name…?
[opens door]
Mr. Lazenby, what the hell's going on here?!
- Lazenby
: Apparently, there's some law against teaching the evolutionary theory that Gil Gerard used a time machine, went back, and ejaculated into the primordial ooze.
- Principal Shepherd
: This stupid country...
- Meg
: I just wanna kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now, and eating a whole bowl of peanuts!
[blank stares from Peter and Lois]
I'm allergic to peanuts!
[more blank stares]
You don't know
anything
about me!
[runs upstairs]
- Peter
: Who was that guy?
- [Peter paces back and forth just as Mr. Weed is on his way over for dinner]
- Lois
: Peter, calm down. Everything's gonna be fine.
- Peter
: I hope so, 'cause if I blow this, I'm gonna have to go back to my old job at the Electric Company.
- [cut to the
Electric Company
with Peter and another man as Soft-Shoe Silhouettes]
- Man
: D.
- Peter
: -ot.
- Peter and the man
: Dot.
- Man
: B.
- Peter
: -et.
- Man
: Bet.
- Peter
: Bet. I knew that. Slow it down, will ya?
- Man
: P.
- Peter
: -it.
- Man
: Pit.
- Peter
: Pit. C'mon, pal. It's my first day?
- Man
: F.
- Peter
: -at.
- Man
: Fat.
- Peter
: Oh, that's it, buddy?
- [a fight breaks out between the two]
- [The boys are sitting on chairs in a semicircle, in gentlemen's outfits, talking very quickly.]
- Stewie
: The port is quite good.
- Brian
: Yes, quite good.
- Chris
: Indeed.
- Peter
: Most certainly.
- Brian
: What year is it?
- Chris
: '51.
- Brian
: Ah.
- Peter
: Delectable.
- Stewie
: Indeed.
- Chris
: Yes.
- Peter
:
[catches fire]
Oh, dear!
- Brian
: What is it?
- Peter
: I've spontaneously combusted.
- Stewie
: Oh, I am sorry.
- Peter
: Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.
- Stewie
: Ah, very good then.
- Chris
: For the best.
- Brian
: Yes, indeed.
- Stewie
: Oh, is it raining again?
- Peter
:
[after Carol has given birth]
Oh, my God!
- Lois
: What? What?!
- Peter
:
[holds a crying baby]
It's a beautiful baby girl.
- Carol
: Oh, a baby girl! I'm so happy!
- Peter
: But she has a penis. Well, we're gonna have to do something about that.
[grabs a scalpel]
- Lois
:
[takes the scalpel]
Peter, no! It's a boy!
- Peter
:
[at the police station, where the convicts are held]
Hi, uh, excuse me, you guys. Yeah, I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin. Uh, he's here to finger the guy who held up that convenience store. M-maybe you've seen him, his name is
Chris Griffin
. Oh, wait a second. I think I got a picture of him, somewhere...h-here you go.
[gives the picture to the one who robbed the store]
Yeah, you can go ahead and hang on to that, I got a ton of 'em at home. I was gonna throw that one out anyway 'cause Chris messed it up by writing his school schedule and a list of his fears all over the back of it.
- [Brian dives into the race track and tackles Seabreeze]
- Meg
: Oh, my God!
- Carter
: He's violating Seabreeze!
- Peter
: Oh, no, he's just awkwardly positioning himself...
[shocked]
Now
he's violating Seabreeze.
- [Peter plays poker with Carter and his poker buddies]
- Ted Turner
: Aces high or low?
- Peter
: They go both ways.
- [Bill Gates and Michael Eisner laugh]
- Bill Gates
: He said, "They go both ways".
- [all except Ted laugh]
- Ted
: Like a bisexual.
- Michael
: Thank you, Ted. That was the joke.
- Miller
: Now, I don't want to go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as
Beowulf
having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean, when a neo-conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
- Peter
: What the hell does "rant" mean?
- [Chris is watching a rap video on TV]
- Peter
: Hey Chris, what are you doing? I am sittin' here shittin' myself! Give me some Dr. Peppa!
- Chris
: Just layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homie. Yo, Pops, get me some cheddar. Some player-hater be throwin' salt in my game and grillin' me over my gear, and I need to be making style.
- Peter
: You be trippin', my man. Go hed and take 'ya dump, sun.
- Peter
: Well, uh... the important thing is you tried, son.
- Announcer
: We now return to
Touched By An Angel
.
- [courtroom scene; a boy is on the stand]
- Prosecutor
:
[shows the boy a doll]
Now, where exactly did the angel touch you?
- Boy
:
[points at the doll's crotch]
Here.
- Angel
: Oh, come on, who are you gonna believe? I got a freakin'
halo
!
- [Peter enters Tom Tucker's office, falsely handicapped]
- Peter
: Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a TV movie based on me starring Valerie Bertinerni.
- Tom
: But, Mr. Griffin,...
- Peter
: Ah-ah.
[extracts tape]
I even got the first piece you're gonna run: exclusive video footage of my tragic accident.
- [he inserts the tape in the TV/VCR, and video of him is shown]
- Peter
:
[on tape]
Oh, no! A car going too fast to stop in time! AIEEEEE!
- [the tape cuts to a shot of a scarecrow getting hit by the approaching car, then cuts back to Peter, who is on the ground, wailing and flailing]
- Peter
: I'm handicapped now!
- [Tom pauses the tape]
- Tom
: Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was a scarecrow dressed in your clothes.
- Peter
: Oh, come on!
- Tom
:
[runs the tape back]
And when I freeze-frame,...
- [he pauses at a point where the car hit the scarecrow, and behind the wheel is...]
- Tom
: That's you driving the car.
- Peter
: Well, there's your hook!
- Tom
: Get out.
- Lois
: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
- Brian
: Uh, w-well, it's a little warm in here...
- Lois
: "Don we now our gay apparel."
- Brian
:
[puts his sweater on]
Doesn't get much gayer than this.
- Peter
: My couch! My TV!
[to Brian]
What the hell did you do?!
- Brian
: Me?! Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
- Peter
: I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his entire family at risk.
- Goodman
: It's a very rare species, the endangered White-Rump Swallow.
- Chris
:
[laughs]
Rump.
- Peter
: This isn't funny, Chris!
[laughs]
Swallow.
- [at a movie theater, the swallow in Peter's beard continuously eats Peter's popcorn]
- Peter
: Damn it all!
- Patrons
: SHH!
- Peter
: Sorry! Sorry.
- [the swallow squawks loudly]
- Patron 1
: Hey, shut up! Keep it down!
- Peter
: Look, there's nothin' I can do. All right?
- Patron 2
: Take it outside, pal!
- Patron 3
: Have you ever heard of a sitter?!
- Peter
:
[jumps out of his seat]
Look, it's an endangered species! What am I supposed to do?
- Patron 4
: I'll make
you
an endangered species!
- Peter
: Oh, good comeback, Potsie!
- Patron 5
: I'll kick your ass! That's what I'll do!
- [all patrons clamor indistinctly until the swallow recedes into Peter's beard]
- Peter
: Look, everybody just shut up! Shut up! He has stopped squawking! He's receded into my beard! We can all watch the movie! Shut up!
- [he sits back down, and all is silent for a moment]
- Voice
: Eric, if you're in here, we're all goin' to Marty's after the movie.
- Jeff
:
[about his trophy, which is over his crotch]
Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen?
- Dave
: Hey, don't get too cocky.
I
had a big one like that when I was your age.
- Dottie
: Oh, you were a show-off yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date.
- Peter
: Lois, I'm scared.
[drops his hot dog]
Oh, I'll get that.
[reaches under the table]
- Dave
: Hey!
- Peter
: Oh! Oh! Oh God, oh, Dave, sorry! Oh, oh, God!
- Chris
: Boobies!
- Lois
: Chris, that's enough! Well, I'm sure glad to be out of there!
- Peter
: You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural.
- Chris
: Boobies!
- Lois
: Did you hear me, young man?
- Meg
: I don't know what the big deal was! I thought they were nice!
- Chris
: Boobies!
- Lois
: Peter?
- Peter
: Do it.
[everybody besides Chris puts on sunglasses; Lois reveals the Neutralizer from
Men in Black
, and uses it on Chris]
- Lois
: Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?
- Chris
: Elephants are bigger in person!
- [Peter is in front of a mirror, preparing for a party]
- Meg
: Look at that handsome man.
- Peter
: You son of a bitch!
[punches the mirror]
- Peter
: Why are you holding that infant's hand?
- Stewie
: Oh, we met on the Internet.
- Brian
: Shut up!
- Stewie
: Yes, he lured me down to the park with promises of candy and funny stories.
- Stewie
:
[encounters Pengrove Pig]
Pengrove! I've come to live on Jolly Farm! Oh my, the Magic Tome!
[opens the book]
Well, it's... it's cardboard. And there are no words, there are just... What is it you've drawn here?
- Pengrove
: Oh, that's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets, eh?
[removes his mask to reveal a hideous laughing elderly man]
Ah, dead brill, eh?
- Stewie
:
[yells; runs up to a smoking Mother Maggie]
Oh, Mother Maggie, thank God! Something's wrong!
- Maggie
:
[in a heavier English accent than on T.V.]
Whose stinky brat is this?
- Stewie
: That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the gentle strum of a lute!
- Maggie
: Piss off, ya grotty little wanker!
[kicks Stewie off the set and resumes smoking]
- Stewie
: It's a fake. It's not real.
- Brian
: I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid.
- Stewie
: I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me!
- Brian
: Hey, come on. Do you want to get some ice cream? That'd make ya feel better. Right?
[Stewie shakes his head no]
You wanna get some McDonald's?
[Stewie shakes his head no again]
You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes?
[Stewie nods his head yes]
Okay. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.
- Dr. Hartman
: Mayor West, you have lymphoma.
- West
: Oh, my...
- Dr. Hartman
: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.
- West
: I see...
- Dr. Hartman
: What in God's name were you trying to prove?
- West
: I was trying to gain superpowers.
- Dr. Hartman
: Well, that's just silly.
- West
: Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes...
- Lois
: Peter, did you take the money from the family jar?
- Peter
:
[dances]
Who, me? Yes, me. Couldn't be. Then who?
[stops]
Yeah, I did it. I bought us volcano insurance.
- Peter
: Lois, no one needs glasses.
- Meg
:
You
wear glasses.
- Peter
: That's only to fool the man from the draft board.
Wikipedia
